Tag Archives: Independence

Learning To Let Go With Love

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One of the hardest things for any person, man or woman, is letting go of a relationship that’s not meant to be. We are often attached to the illusion that this person is “the One” for us, and that if we don’t have him or her, we’ll never find somebody new.

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Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that “all men are jerks” or “all women are bitches.”

If you’ve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again. Your anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship.

When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives – our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we’ve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

[bctt tweet=”We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.”]

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

Radical Personal Responsibility:

Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

Self-Awareness:

Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

Acceptance:

Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn’t work because it was not your highest and best.

Forgiveness:

Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

Gratitude:

Be grateful that you’re out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you’ve learned from your partner.

Compassion:

Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you’ll become less judgmental.

Detachment:

Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

Independence:

Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

Optimism:

Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. An optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, can help you bounce back from your loss. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of the past. But it’s worth every moment! The feeling of freedom and contentment that you experience is just awesome.

Getting rid of your anger and hurt will help you stop blaming others for your pain, and allowed you to see your former partner as they really are – a wonderful, sensitive human being with the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as you.

It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

No time spent in a relationship is ever wasted. Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. So stop beating yourself up over all the years you “wasted” with that “loser.”

[bctt tweet=”Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. “]

If it didn’t work, it was probably not meant to be. You can’t force someone to love you, just as you can’t force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you’re in pain, what you’re experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

[bctt tweet=”Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.”]

It’s best to let go of a relationship that’s causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life.

Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

© Priya Florence Shah

Why Independence Is Attractive In A Woman

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Woman Independent
As a woman who’s experienced her fair share of personal tragedy and failed relationships, I feel very strongly that a woman should be completely independent of her man.

I don’t mean that you should never let a man do anything for you. Independence to me means being able to take care of my own needs in a healthy manner, with or without a man.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem. It also gives you the confidence to walk away from unpleasant or abusive situations.

Healthy, secure men are attracted to independent, confident women. It’s insecure men that like women who are clingy and dependent. And that’s definitely not the sort of man you want to attract.

Being the “damsel in distress” will only attract undesirable behaviour from people around you, which is why a healthy level of independence is crucial in every woman’s life.

There are six forms of independence I believe every woman should cultivate:

1. Physical Independence:

I have seen codependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your physical needs?

Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, simple things like buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying your bills are things you should be able to do for yourself, even if you live with someone else.

Take responsibility for your own health and well-being. [bctt tweet=”When you allow yourself to be a burden to others, you become vulnerable to abuse or abandonment.”]

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure oneself can be very empowering for a woman. Men do it all the time, so there’s no reason why women can’t. If you can meet your own sexual needs in a healthy manner, you’ll never have to settle for one-night stands or relationships that are demeaning.

Because of conditioning by family and society, many women are not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. False beliefs about sex and our own bodies can lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

3. Financial Independence:

Many women still expect a man to be the provider and a source of security. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who doesn’t. But like us women, men want to be loved for themselves, not for what they can give us.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behaviour because you cannot fend for yourself. [bctt tweet=”Relationships built on a foundation of neediness are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.”]

Unless a woman is taking care of kids and the home – a job in itself – she should not be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should her man pass away or leave the relationship.

Being financially independent boosts your self-worth, and gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespect or abuse if you know you can take care of yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you are emotionally needy and clingy, you’ll attract insecure men. Neediness will not only attract potential abusers, but will also drive away a good man looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble learning how to meet your own emotional needs, I recommend you read the book “Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child” by Margaret Paul. It helped me heal some of my deepest wounds and learn to depend less on others for my emotional needs.

5. Spiritual Independence:

A good man wants to be with an independent-thinking woman, someone who has her own opinions, not one who agrees to everything he says.

Being an independent thinker means having the courage to stand by your beliefs, speak your mind, and follow the path that feels right for you. It makes you less likely to attract a man who is controlling and tries to dictate what you should think, read or believe in.

Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices and enter a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on her own terms.

[bctt tweet=”Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices “]

6. Social Independence

Harsh Shrivastava suggested I include this point, and I agree. “Women should have their own network (including online) of friends, advisers, guides, mentors, and even mentees – of both genders,” says Harsh. “A woman should not depend only on relatives or her man’s friends, but have her own set of people to lean on and learn from and have fun with.”

Copyright © Priya Florence Shah