Category Archives: Self-Esteem

How To Transform Your Relationship With Yourself

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How To Transform Your Relationship With Yourself

How we see the world and interpret the actions of others depends on our relationship with our self. To change your relationships with others, you’ve got to change your relationship with yourself.

Why do we feel unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationships? Why do we complain, judge others or blame them for our problems? Usually, it’s because we feel that way about our self.

Our relationships and life experiences are a reflection of our inner world. How we see the world and interpret the actions of others depends on our relationship with our self.

To change your relationships with others, you’ve got to change your relationship with yourself.

[bctt tweet=”To change your relationships with others, you’ve got to change your relationship with yourself.”]

Own your feelings

Accept that you alone are responsible for the way you think and feel. No one can make you feel that way. Own responsibility for allowing yourself to feel the way you do.

Be self-aware

Step back and observe yourself from a distance. How do you react to people and situations? Are you reacting unconsciously from the “wounded child” or responding in a calm, compassionate manner? When you’re conscious and aware of your feelings in a situation, you have the power to respond, rather than react.

Be authentic

Be true to yourself. There’s no need to put on a mask or a persona for someone else. You are perfect, whole and complete the way you are.

Love yourself unconditionally

Accept yourself for who you are, the parts you like, the parts you don’t. You’re part of divine creation. When you know and believe that, you will love and accept yourself the way you are.

Never belittle yourself

Never put yourself down or disrespect yourself. Don’t allow anyone else to treat you in a way that you don’t approve of. Never accept less than what you deserve – from yourself or anyone else.

Take care of yourself first

Remember the airline stewardess telling you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you? You can’t take care of someone else, your family, or your kids, if you don’t take care of yourself first. Make yourself and your health a priority and do what it takes to get well, in every way.

Get in touch with your Higher Self

Your intuition is your Higher Self, the self that knows without knowing, sees without seeing. It is this self that will guide you towards your higher purpose. Any time you spend in meditation, prayer or solitude, cultivating your relationship with your higher self, will be time well spent.

Learn to connect with yourself at a deeper level, find your purpose, and understand your role in the universe. It will transform your relationship with yourself, and with everyone in your life.

© Priya Florence Shah

Learning To Let Go With Love

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One of the hardest things for any person, man or woman, is letting go of a relationship that’s not meant to be. We are often attached to the illusion that this person is “the One” for us, and that if we don’t have him or her, we’ll never find somebody new.

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Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that “all men are jerks” or “all women are bitches.”

If you’ve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again. Your anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship.

When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives – our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we’ve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

[bctt tweet=”We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.”]

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

Radical Personal Responsibility:

Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

Self-Awareness:

Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

Acceptance:

Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn’t work because it was not your highest and best.

Forgiveness:

Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

Gratitude:

Be grateful that you’re out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you’ve learned from your partner.

Compassion:

Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you’ll become less judgmental.

Detachment:

Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

Independence:

Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

Optimism:

Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. An optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, can help you bounce back from your loss. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of the past. But it’s worth every moment! The feeling of freedom and contentment that you experience is just awesome.

Getting rid of your anger and hurt will help you stop blaming others for your pain, and allowed you to see your former partner as they really are – a wonderful, sensitive human being with the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as you.

It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

No time spent in a relationship is ever wasted. Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. So stop beating yourself up over all the years you “wasted” with that “loser.”

[bctt tweet=”Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. “]

If it didn’t work, it was probably not meant to be. You can’t force someone to love you, just as you can’t force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you’re in pain, what you’re experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

[bctt tweet=”Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.”]

It’s best to let go of a relationship that’s causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life.

Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

© Priya Florence Shah

Addiction – The Hole In Your Soul

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During the course of my spiritual growth, I realized that most people are addicts, in one way or another. And that addiction is not a physical or a psychological disease, but a disconnection from Source Energy and from our Higher Selves.

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When we’re disconnected from our higher selves (the source of love and higher emotions), we must look for something outside of ourselves to fill that hole in our soul. This attachment or craving (not desire, as is popularly believed) is noted, in Buddhism, as the cause of suffering.

And so we turn to people, relationships, sex, food, alcohol, drugs, meditation, prayer, caffeine, cigarettes, television, music, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, internet usage, pornography and other ways to bliss out, just so that we don’t have to face the fact that we’ve disconnected from our life path and from the purpose that we came here to fulfil.

That’s why all programs for recovery from addiction, like the 12-step program, mandate a reconnection with a Higher Power as essential for recovery.

But, you might say, almost all of the things I’ve listed above (barring TV, internet, pornography and stimulants) are necessary for existence. So how do you know when something becomes an addiction?

The easiest way to know this is to CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS. Be honest with yourself about why you believe you need it. If TV is merely a distraction, if you use food only to nourish your body, if you turn to people and relationships solely to stay connected, you are most likely not addicted to these things.

Another way to test if you’re addicted to something is to GO WITHOUT IT. If you can easily do without it for a while, especially under stressful circumstances, you are most likely not addicted.

But if you compulsively do any of the following – overeat, get drunk, smoke, gamble, take drugs, cling to relationships and people, exercise too much, watch too much porn or do anything to bliss out – you may be using it to fill that hole in your soul, to mask your disconnection from the true nature of your being.

If that’s so, then you need to rediscover your life purpose and reconnect with Source, by doing the psychological and spiritual work you need to become whole again. Some of the attitudes that helped me heal my own codependence are:

Self-awareness: Becoming an observer of my emotions and reactions.

Self-love: Knowing that I am worthy of love, that it has to come from within me. Learning how to develop high self-esteem and stronger boundaries.

Self-acceptance: Learning to accept my flaws and forgive myself for my mistakes.

Detachment: Detaching from a situation so I can respond appropriately.

Overcoming my fears: Learning to act from Love (Higher Self) rather than Fear (Ego).

© Priya Florence Shah

How To Stop Trying To Please Everyone And Get Your Life Back

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[bctt tweet=”Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu”]

The disease to please is very common, especially among women and even more so among those who suffer from low self-esteem. While the need for acceptance or belonging is a normal human need, it is also true that acceptance begins with the acceptance of the self, first.

8007651_sThe need to please everyone or be a “people pleaser” stems from a lack of self-love and self-acceptance that causes us to try to get what we need from other people instead of giving it to ourselves.

But when you spend your life trying to please others, you are essentially giving your power away and making them responsible for your happiness. When you act like a “people-pleaser”, you give up your own needs, ignore your own inner voice and give up your self-respect and dignity to make others happy.

In doing that you are not doing anyone a favor. Instead you invite people to treat you with disrespect and to exploit you. Your unhappiness stems not from the fact that others are taking you for granted or treating you badly, but because, in working to gain their approval, you are treating yourself badly.

It is our own lack of self-worth and self-esteem that causes us to seek approval from sources outside of ourselves. In our efforts to keep everyone else happy, we end up doing too much and catering to everyone’s whims.

We continue to feel unappreciated and our feelings of resentment get stronger and stronger until we can no longer ignore them. When we do things to garner approval from others and don’t get the approval we seek, we end up resentful, burn out physically and emotionally and collapse from exhaustion or depression.

It’s not easy to give up approval seeking behavior when your self-acceptance and self-esteem are practically non-existent. The cure for this is to focus on building your sense of self-worth and realizing that you are worthy of love and acceptance just for being you.

Your sense of self-worth will then becomes so strong that even another person’s disapproval will not shake the belief that you are deserving of love and affection, for the only reason that you exist.

Take note of your motives when you offer to do something for someone else. Are you doing it because you expect something (love, affection, acceptance) in return, or without any expectations of them reciprocating your caring?

[bctt tweet=”Are you acting from a place of fullness and love or from a place of lack and wanting?”]

If you’ve made people pleasing and caretaking others a habit, it will be hard to change unless you remain ever vigilant of your actions and motives.

You can get out of people-pleasing mode by starting to allow your family and friends to do things for themselves. From folding their own clothes and putting them away to helping out in the kitchen, get your family to chip in and support you in taking care of yourself.

You are not doing your loved ones a favour by doing everything for them. Instead you are making them dependent on you, for the wrong reasons. Allow them to take over their own chores and start taking care of yourself for a change. You can grow your self-esteem and self-worth by doing good things for yourself.

Practice extreme self-care and stop doing everything for others, especially when you realize that you are doing them for unhealthy reasons. When you take loving action on your own behalf, you will have more faith in your ability to do what is right for yourself and your sense of self-esteem will increase.

Take small actions everyday to nurture yourself. Cultivate positive self talk and do not be critical with yourself. Over a period of time your beliefs will change and you will be able to resist the unhealthy lure of approval seeking behavior.

© Priya Florence Shah

This is an excerpt from the book, “From Doormat to Devi: 10 Steps To Stop Overfunctioning In Relationships And Take Your Life Back” available on online bookstores.

Why Independence Is Attractive In A Woman

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Woman Independent
As a woman who’s experienced her fair share of personal tragedy and failed relationships, I feel very strongly that a woman should be completely independent of her man.

I don’t mean that you should never let a man do anything for you. Independence to me means being able to take care of my own needs in a healthy manner, with or without a man.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem. It also gives you the confidence to walk away from unpleasant or abusive situations.

Healthy, secure men are attracted to independent, confident women. It’s insecure men that like women who are clingy and dependent. And that’s definitely not the sort of man you want to attract.

Being the “damsel in distress” will only attract undesirable behaviour from people around you, which is why a healthy level of independence is crucial in every woman’s life.

There are six forms of independence I believe every woman should cultivate:

1. Physical Independence:

I have seen codependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your physical needs?

Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, simple things like buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying your bills are things you should be able to do for yourself, even if you live with someone else.

Take responsibility for your own health and well-being. [bctt tweet=”When you allow yourself to be a burden to others, you become vulnerable to abuse or abandonment.”]

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure oneself can be very empowering for a woman. Men do it all the time, so there’s no reason why women can’t. If you can meet your own sexual needs in a healthy manner, you’ll never have to settle for one-night stands or relationships that are demeaning.

Because of conditioning by family and society, many women are not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. False beliefs about sex and our own bodies can lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

3. Financial Independence:

Many women still expect a man to be the provider and a source of security. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who doesn’t. But like us women, men want to be loved for themselves, not for what they can give us.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behaviour because you cannot fend for yourself. [bctt tweet=”Relationships built on a foundation of neediness are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.”]

Unless a woman is taking care of kids and the home – a job in itself – she should not be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should her man pass away or leave the relationship.

Being financially independent boosts your self-worth, and gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespect or abuse if you know you can take care of yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you are emotionally needy and clingy, you’ll attract insecure men. Neediness will not only attract potential abusers, but will also drive away a good man looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble learning how to meet your own emotional needs, I recommend you read the book “Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child” by Margaret Paul. It helped me heal some of my deepest wounds and learn to depend less on others for my emotional needs.

5. Spiritual Independence:

A good man wants to be with an independent-thinking woman, someone who has her own opinions, not one who agrees to everything he says.

Being an independent thinker means having the courage to stand by your beliefs, speak your mind, and follow the path that feels right for you. It makes you less likely to attract a man who is controlling and tries to dictate what you should think, read or believe in.

Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices and enter a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on her own terms.

[bctt tweet=”Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices “]

6. Social Independence

Harsh Shrivastava suggested I include this point, and I agree. “Women should have their own network (including online) of friends, advisers, guides, mentors, and even mentees – of both genders,” says Harsh. “A woman should not depend only on relatives or her man’s friends, but have her own set of people to lean on and learn from and have fun with.”

Copyright © Priya Florence Shah