Learning To Let Go With Love

One of the hardest things for any person, man or woman, is letting go of a relationship that’s not meant to be. We are often attached to the illusion that this person is “the One” for us, and that if we don’t have him or her, we’ll never find somebody new.

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Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that “all men are jerks” or “all women are bitches.”

If you’ve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again. Your anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship.

When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives – our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we’ve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

[bctt tweet=”We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.”]

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

Radical Personal Responsibility:

Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

Self-Awareness:

Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

Acceptance:

Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn’t work because it was not your highest and best.

Forgiveness:

Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

Gratitude:

Be grateful that you’re out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you’ve learned from your partner.

Compassion:

Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you’ll become less judgmental.

Detachment:

Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

Independence:

Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

Optimism:

Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. An optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, can help you bounce back from your loss. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of the past. But it’s worth every moment! The feeling of freedom and contentment that you experience is just awesome.

Getting rid of your anger and hurt will help you stop blaming others for your pain, and allowed you to see your former partner as they really are – a wonderful, sensitive human being with the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as you.

It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

No time spent in a relationship is ever wasted. Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. So stop beating yourself up over all the years you “wasted” with that “loser.”

[bctt tweet=”Every experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. “]

If it didn’t work, it was probably not meant to be. You can’t force someone to love you, just as you can’t force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you’re in pain, what you’re experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

[bctt tweet=”Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.”]

It’s best to let go of a relationship that’s causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life.

Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

© Priya Florence Shah

Addiction – The Hole In Your Soul

During the course of my spiritual growth, I realized that most people are addicts, in one way or another. And that addiction is not a physical or a psychological disease, but a disconnection from Source Energy and from our Higher Selves.

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When we’re disconnected from our higher selves (the source of love and higher emotions), we must look for something outside of ourselves to fill that hole in our soul. This attachment or craving (not desire, as is popularly believed) is noted, in Buddhism, as the cause of suffering.

And so we turn to people, relationships, sex, food, alcohol, drugs, meditation, prayer, caffeine, cigarettes, television, music, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, internet usage, pornography and other ways to bliss out, just so that we don’t have to face the fact that we’ve disconnected from our life path and from the purpose that we came here to fulfil.

That’s why all programs for recovery from addiction, like the 12-step program, mandate a reconnection with a Higher Power as essential for recovery.

But, you might say, almost all of the things I’ve listed above (barring TV, internet, pornography and stimulants) are necessary for existence. So how do you know when something becomes an addiction?

The easiest way to know this is to CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS. Be honest with yourself about why you believe you need it. If TV is merely a distraction, if you use food only to nourish your body, if you turn to people and relationships solely to stay connected, you are most likely not addicted to these things.

Another way to test if you’re addicted to something is to GO WITHOUT IT. If you can easily do without it for a while, especially under stressful circumstances, you are most likely not addicted.

But if you compulsively do any of the following – overeat, get drunk, smoke, gamble, take drugs, cling to relationships and people, exercise too much, watch too much porn or do anything to bliss out – you may be using it to fill that hole in your soul, to mask your disconnection from the true nature of your being.

If that’s so, then you need to rediscover your life purpose and reconnect with Source, by doing the psychological and spiritual work you need to become whole again. Some of the attitudes that helped me heal my own codependence are:

Self-awareness: Becoming an observer of my emotions and reactions.

Self-love: Knowing that I am worthy of love, that it has to come from within me. Learning how to develop high self-esteem and stronger boundaries.

Self-acceptance: Learning to accept my flaws and forgive myself for my mistakes.

Detachment: Detaching from a situation so I can respond appropriately.

Overcoming my fears: Learning to act from Love (Higher Self) rather than Fear (Ego).

© Priya Florence Shah

10 Ways To Step Into Your Feminine Power

10813734_sIt’s not easy for a woman in India to be powerful in what is still, in many ways, a man’s world. Every day we encounter negativity from those who are threatened by the strides that women have made.

It’s reached the point where we feel that we either have to be a bimbo or a bitch to succeed. But we don’t have to be either. We just need to be human beings with the ability to express our unique gifts and talents.

Here I list 10 ways that have helped me live a bigger life and make choices that can have brought me the self-awareness, freedom and contentment I now enjoy.

1. Cultivate Self-Love and Self-Esteem

One of the most important things a woman must cultivate is her self-esteem and the ability to love herself. If your self-love and self-esteem are strong, you can bounce back from almost anything.

Having a healthy self-esteem gives you a positive outlook in life and this is reflected in your performance on the job, in your relationships and in the way you live your life.

2. Know that you ALWAYS have a choice

Most Indian women have this sense of hopelessness because we feel we have to make everyone happy, but ourselves. But remember that you ALWAYS have a choice – even if it is one that the people in your life do not agree with or believe is selfish.

As one of my teachers, Abraham- Hicks, says, “If you’re not selfish enough to connect to Source Energy (your Divine nature), you don’t have anything to give anybody anyway.”

Which brings me to the next point…

3. Nurture your Divine connection

As women we are definitely more intuitive and have the ability to easily connect to our Divine source of wisdom and well-being. The ones who gave the most, like Mother Theresa, were also the ones who were most connected to their Divine wisdom.

You have the same potential to share your unique gifts with the world – all you need to do is to start cultivating your spiritual life and listen to your inner guidance.

4. Cultivate empowering beliefs

Your life is a reflection of the beliefs you hold. Even if you say that you want to succeed, if your subconscious beliefs don’t match your desires, it will not happen. You need to become conscious of which beliefs are holding you back and clear them from your system.

As geek-speak goes, “Garbage In, Garbage Out”. What you put into your mind, you get out. If you fill your mind with endless negativity from soap operas, commercials and the mass media, your life will become a replica of what you see there.

[bctt tweet=”If you want to have empowering beliefs, only expose yourself to empowering thoughts. “]

Read empowering books, subscribe to empowering newsletters, stop watching TV (yes, it can be done) or watch less of it.

5. Be mindful of the company you keep

I read somewhere that you are the average of the 5 people closest to you in every area of your life. If you want to be more successful, hang out with people you admire and want to emulate, not with those who are in the same boat.

Success can be scary and the journey to the top can be lonely. Find a mentor and ask them to coach you. Spend your time with people who elevate you, not those who pull you down.

A very good quote I read recently is that [bctt tweet=”Your companions are like the buttons on an elevator. They will either take you up or they will take you down.”]

6. Never apologise for your success

Your family and friends might not support your goals and plans. Learn to draw strong boundaries with those who you cannot avoid.

Explain to those who offer “well-meaning” advice that, while you appreciate their input, you would like the freedom to make your own mistakes.

[bctt tweet=”Never put yourself down or underplay your achievements just to make the other person feel better. “]

As Marianne Williamson said, “when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

7. Take care of your body

Many Indian women stop caring for themselves after they have kids and reach middle-age. But the way you look tells the world a lot about your self-esteem.

You don’t have to go overboard and spend thousands on beauty treatments, because looking good is an inside job. If you feel good about yourself, you will naturally take pride in your appearance.

8. Invest in yourself

Invest time and money in learning and growing. Take courses, learn new skills. It will make a huge difference to your success, whether you have a business or career.

If you run a business, you will attract better quality clients who are also willing to invest in their own businesses. The logic is that “why would anyone invest in someone who is not willing to invest in themselves.”

9. Have fun

If you asked me the purpose of life, I would quote my teachers, Abraham-Hicks, who say that, “The Basis of your life is Freedom; the Purpose of your life is Joy.

If what you are doing does not bring you joy, ask why that is and what you can do to change it. Perhaps you want to do work that is more meaningful (many women do), even if you earn less money in the process.

Do whatever nurtures your spirit, whether that involves travel, hobbies or just spending time with friends and family who you can have a good laugh with. Don’t take life too seriously.

10. Seek help when you need it

If you have faced serious problems in your life and need professional help, go to a qualified psychologist or an energy healer. Better yet, learn to heal yourself. We all have the ability to do it and it’s just one more way to take care of yourself.

This is an excerpt from the book, Step Into Your Feminine Power And Rule Your World: 24 Empowering Ideas for the Modern Indian Woman, available on Amazon Kindle and Flipkart.com

© Priya Florence Shah

To Be A Champion – Become A Child

Happy beautiful woman with arms raised

Have you ever wondered what successful people have that makes them successful? Ever wonder how those champion achievers in your company manage, month after month, to get the most new business, the biggest bonuses, the largest paychecks?

Well let me tell you a secret. No one starts out as a Champion. Most of them started out like you and me. So what is it that makes a Champion different from the rest?

Champions have an attitude, a mindset that sets them apart from the rest. But most of these qualities are not exceptional.

Indeed each and every one of us possesses these qualities when we start out in life. But somewhere along the way we tend to lose them and diminish our own potential.

[bctt tweet=”To be a Champion, you must first become a Child! “] Let me explain:

1. Champions are Willing to Learn.

Children come into this world with an innate desire to learn, to understand the world around them. They’re like sponges observing and absorbing every fact, every reaction. Because they know that their very survival depends on it.

One of the most important, and oft-repeated, qualities we need to succeed in business is a willingness to learn – to be teachable. To become a champion, you must be willing to educate yourself or be educated, to read about, learn and absorb all the things you need to know, even if they are completely new to you.

If you don’t, you’re doomed to fail from the start.

2. Champions are Willing to Act

Have you notice how children completely geared towards action? As soon as they learn a new skill, they want to put it into action.

Champions are the same. They put their newly learned skills to use, taking concrete steps to improve their performance, so they can take their business to the next level.

They know that they must act on what they have learned, even if they haven’t perfected it. Which brings me to their next quality.

3. Champions are Not Afraid to Fail

Just as a child picks itself up again and again, every time it falls while taking its first steps, champions are not afraid to fall down or fail. They know that failure is the best teacher. They learn from their mistakes and keep fine-tuning their methods till they succeed.

[bctt tweet=”Champions have the courage to fall down and not be discouraged. “] They pick themselves up and keep trying.

4. Champions are Willing to Adapt

Survival does not happen to the Fittest, but to the Most Adaptable. As children, we adapt to long-term change relatively easily. We are more willing to accept situations and adapt our behaviour accordingly.

Unfortunately, as we grow older, we become more rigid in our thinking, unwilling to accept that there may be better ways of doing things. In a changing business scenario, resistance to change makes us obsolete. We end up losing out to players with a better understanding of changing trends.

[bctt tweet=”Champions are those who can adapt themselves and their business to changing trends.”]

5. Champions are Willing to Innovate

Children are extremely inventive beings. They come into this world with no preconceived notions of doing things. In their minds there are no limits to what they can do or how they can do it.

Champions apply these very principles to take their business to the top. They not only learn from what has been done before. They find ways of doing it more efficiently, more cheaply, more successfully.

You don’t have to be like a child in all respects to succeed. It’s probably not even desirable. But if your pre-conceived notions, fears and hesitation are preventing you from reaching your goals, try looking at the world through a child’s eyes.

At best you will improve your chances of success, at worst you’ll remain young at heart.

© Priya Florence Shah

Book Review: David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell

One of the reasons we love Malcolm Gladwell’s books is the way he uses the art of storytelling to contradict common assumptions about the way things work.

In this aspect, his new book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, is full of well-researched, counterintuitive arguments that demonstrate patterns and connect the dots between seemingly unrelated events. In short, it does not disappoint.gladwell_david-and-goliath

As we’ve come to expect from a writer of his caliber, Gladwell grips you from the start, with the timeless story of David, the Israelite, and Goliath, the Philistine, and why the duel between them revealed the folly of our assumptions about power.

Gladwell argues that we “continue to make that error today, in ways that have consequences for everything, from how we educate our children, to how we fight crime and disorder.”

“Why,” he says, “do we automatically assume that someone who is smaller, or poorer, or less skilled is necessarily at a disadvantage?” Especially when history shows us that underdogs win more often than we think. “That’s because underdog strategies are hard,” he notes.

“To play by David’s rules, you have to be desperate,” he says. “You have to be so bad that you have no choice.” With stories from basketball to Lawrence of Arabia, he demonstrates how prestige and belonging to elite institutions (think MBAs), can actually limit our options. And how being an underdog and a misfit can give you the freedom to try things no one else has ever dreamt of.

He goes on to demonstrate, with some surprising statistics, how too small a class size and too much family wealth can, both be disadvantageous to children, and why it’s wrong to assume that being bigger, and stronger, and richer, is always in our best interest.

I found particularly fascinating the story of how the Impressionists succeeded by choosing to be the Big Fish in a Little Pond of their own creation. You’ll learn why, the more elite an educational institution is, the worse students feel about their own academic abilities.

So, if you did not make it through to the IITs (or Harvard, Yale or MIT), take heart. It’s better to be a Big Fish in a Very Welcoming Small Pond than a Little Fish in a Very Big and Scary Pond, says Gladwell. And going to that less competitive college might be the best thing you’ll ever do for your self-confidence and your career.

While it might seem counterintuitive to talent hunters, statistics show that hiring the best students from “mediocre” schools would be better than going after good students from the very best schools. “We have a definition in our heads of what an advantage is – and the definition isn’t right,” says Gladwell. “It’s the Little Pond that maximizes your chances to do whatever you want.”

[bctt tweet=”We have a definition in our heads of what an advantage is – and the definition isn’t right. ~ @Gladwell” via=”no”]

My favourite part, however, was when, using the fact that an extraordinarily high number of successful entrepreneurs (including British billionaire, Richard Branson) are dyslexic, he asks the controversial question, “Can dyslexia turn out to be a desirable difficulty?” Could it be that they succeeded, in part, because of their disorder?

[bctt tweet=”Can dyslexia turn out to be a desirable difficulty? ~ @Gladwell, David and Goliath” via=”no”]

When something, like your sense of sight, is taken away from you, your brain compensates by sharpening your other senses. In the same way, could dyslexics learn to compensate for their reading difficulty by becoming better listeners and learning to understand the nuances of human communication better than their peers? That does seem to be the case. As Gladwell states, “What is learned out of necessity is inevitably more powerful than the learning that comes easily.”

[bctt tweet=”What is learned out of necessity is inevitably more powerful than the learning that comes easily. ~ @Gladwell” via=”no”]

But the dyslexics who succeed also seem to have a special brand of stubbornness coupled with a highly developed ability to deal with failure, and the tendency to not care a damn for the approval of others – qualities that many a successful entrepreneur shares. These are the coping strategies they developed in a world that looks down on those who cannot keep up academically, but that gave them an advantage in the world of business, where disruption is greatly valued.

Personally, I like to see these so-called disorders, that the psychiatric profession is so quick to diagnose nowadays, as “gifts” that help us see the world in ways that others can’t. I used to think it was just me (and a bunch of other people who believe in a more inclusive world) that thought this way, so Gladwell’s argument that being “differently-abled” can be turned into an advantage delights me.

I believe that we will, one day, see the same argument put to people with autism. The evidence is already there. We just need someone like Gladwell to dig it up for us.

In the vein of what doesn’t kill you make you stronger, his next chapter speaks of the acquired, uncommon courage of those who survive either an event like the bombing of London by the Germans, or of losing a parent in childhood.

It reminded me of the courage of the people of Mumbai who are known for going back to work the day after a bombing by terrorists. With so many “remote misses” to create a feeling of invincibility, no other city in India can claim such nonchalance in the face of terror.

It’s his chapter on Wyatt Walker that I find the most unsettling, where he defends Walker’s use of children in Birmingham’s civil rights marches. “Our definition of what is right is, as often as not, simply the way that people in positions of privilege close the door on those on the outside,” states Gladwell.

Since Birmingham, child soldiers have been used by mercenaries like the Taliban in Afghanistan and Revolutionary United Front (RUF) in Sierra Leone in their battle against the Goliaths they were fighting, with disastrous consequences for the children involved (if you want to understand what happened to the children drafted into the RUF, I recommend you watch the Leonardo DiCaprio starrer, Blood Diamond).

So, no, I don’t think Birmingham is really the right kind of example to make in the David vs Goliath battles, no matter how worthy the cause.

Weaving a common thread through the stories of crime in America, and the war between the Irish and Prostestants in Northern Ireland, Gladwell goes on to show how “the excessive use of force creates legitimacy problems, and force without legitimacy leads to defiance, not submission.”

Gladwell wraps up the book with the beautiful and heartwarming story of Andre´ Trocme´ and the village of Le Chambon in France that protected Jews in defiance of the Nazi invaders. As he notes so eloquently, “The powerful are not as powerful as they seem – nor the weak as weak.”

[bctt tweet=”The powerful are not as powerful as they seem – nor the weak as weak. ~ @Gladwell, David and Goliath” via=”no”]

How To Stop Trying To Please Everyone And Get Your Life Back

[bctt tweet=”Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu”]

The disease to please is very common, especially among women and even more so among those who suffer from low self-esteem. While the need for acceptance or belonging is a normal human need, it is also true that acceptance begins with the acceptance of the self, first.

8007651_sThe need to please everyone or be a “people pleaser” stems from a lack of self-love and self-acceptance that causes us to try to get what we need from other people instead of giving it to ourselves.

But when you spend your life trying to please others, you are essentially giving your power away and making them responsible for your happiness. When you act like a “people-pleaser”, you give up your own needs, ignore your own inner voice and give up your self-respect and dignity to make others happy.

In doing that you are not doing anyone a favor. Instead you invite people to treat you with disrespect and to exploit you. Your unhappiness stems not from the fact that others are taking you for granted or treating you badly, but because, in working to gain their approval, you are treating yourself badly.

It is our own lack of self-worth and self-esteem that causes us to seek approval from sources outside of ourselves. In our efforts to keep everyone else happy, we end up doing too much and catering to everyone’s whims.

We continue to feel unappreciated and our feelings of resentment get stronger and stronger until we can no longer ignore them. When we do things to garner approval from others and don’t get the approval we seek, we end up resentful, burn out physically and emotionally and collapse from exhaustion or depression.

It’s not easy to give up approval seeking behavior when your self-acceptance and self-esteem are practically non-existent. The cure for this is to focus on building your sense of self-worth and realizing that you are worthy of love and acceptance just for being you.

Your sense of self-worth will then becomes so strong that even another person’s disapproval will not shake the belief that you are deserving of love and affection, for the only reason that you exist.

Take note of your motives when you offer to do something for someone else. Are you doing it because you expect something (love, affection, acceptance) in return, or without any expectations of them reciprocating your caring?

[bctt tweet=”Are you acting from a place of fullness and love or from a place of lack and wanting?”]

If you’ve made people pleasing and caretaking others a habit, it will be hard to change unless you remain ever vigilant of your actions and motives.

You can get out of people-pleasing mode by starting to allow your family and friends to do things for themselves. From folding their own clothes and putting them away to helping out in the kitchen, get your family to chip in and support you in taking care of yourself.

You are not doing your loved ones a favour by doing everything for them. Instead you are making them dependent on you, for the wrong reasons. Allow them to take over their own chores and start taking care of yourself for a change. You can grow your self-esteem and self-worth by doing good things for yourself.

Practice extreme self-care and stop doing everything for others, especially when you realize that you are doing them for unhealthy reasons. When you take loving action on your own behalf, you will have more faith in your ability to do what is right for yourself and your sense of self-esteem will increase.

Take small actions everyday to nurture yourself. Cultivate positive self talk and do not be critical with yourself. Over a period of time your beliefs will change and you will be able to resist the unhealthy lure of approval seeking behavior.

© Priya Florence Shah

This is an excerpt from the book, “From Doormat to Devi: 10 Steps To Stop Overfunctioning In Relationships And Take Your Life Back” available on online bookstores.